[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
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Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…