Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
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No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.