Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
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Miscakes
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
men are simple creatures
Me as a therapist: omg same
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows