why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
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Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.