I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
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#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.