Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
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FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.