*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
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WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them