I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
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Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
shit just got real
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*