Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
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Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
How to draw a duck
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.