me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
You Might Also Like
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*