Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
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You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?