Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
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I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
My patience has stretch marks.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night