Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
You Might Also Like
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.