A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
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A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.