Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
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WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
bugs when you lift up a rock
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.