Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
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Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult