I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
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Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave