Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
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The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is