mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Tough love is true love
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.