No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
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[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.