going ballistic. anyone need anything?
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Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.