[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
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You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..