I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
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Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Donating blood today to make room for more food