Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
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If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake