[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
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When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.