MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
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“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”