[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
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Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]