Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
You Might Also Like
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll