*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
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The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference