Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
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My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.