If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
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Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Try and stop me.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.