Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
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Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite