A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
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Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I saw nothing
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
The pen is writier than the sword.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight