I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here