Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
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“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
finally found a reasonable question
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.