road rage
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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Seems kinda suspicious
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.