“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
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My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Schrödinger’s cookie
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving