Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
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When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..