Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
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A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!