Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.