When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
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ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.