i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
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Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
The Onion called it…again.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
who wore it better?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.