A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
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Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
British websites use biscuits.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.