Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
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Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name