Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
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Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.