I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
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Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Banderslack Clamberdorch
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.