1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
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I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.