Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
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I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
This a good idea
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.