Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
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[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Netflix: We have Less
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Unexpected Judgment