God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
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How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Mission: Impossible
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards